By Michael T Aker

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

It matters not whether you think Cummings-and-Goings broke lockdown or acted responsibly and legally when he took off from London to Durham. It matters not whether he was being honest when he claimed he was testing his eyesight when he took a 60-mile round road trip on Easter Sunday which just happened to be his wife's birthday. The law of the political jungle is that when you're a government official at the heart of a media storm for more than three consecutive days, you're dead meat. As a former journalist, BoJo must know that. Love him or loathe him, Cummins-and-Goings is headed for the exit.

Monday, May 25, 2020

Downing Street sources tell us that the half-hour delay in starting Dum Cummings-and-Goings press conference was a furious row with advisers about what T-shirt he should have hanging over this trousers when he ambled into the Rose Garden to deliver the 'accurate' version of events about his trip to Durham during lockdown. It is said that Dum wanted to wear a bright yellow number with the letters FUME emblazoned on the front, the M standing for 'Media' and the E for 'Ersatz' which Donald Trump knows is another word for 'fakes'. It is not clear what the F and the U stand for. In the end Duminic uncharacteristically agreed to wear a plain off-white shirt but only on the proviso that he was allowed to have it hanging over this belt and definitely no tie. Despite his dodgy eyesight, Dum managed to deliver the longest non-resignation speech in British political history without the use of his specs. He truly is amazing. Incredible really. He handled most of the media's questions pretty deftly, it has to be said. When asked why he didn't tell Boris that he was debunking to Durham, Dum confessed he didn't really know. Perhaps he should have, he confessed. Might be, of course, that had he told his boss he was planning to break the lockdown Boris might have thought it not the best idea his chief adviser had ever had?     

Monday, May 25, 2020

¶ The blind party allegiances that have turned UK politics into a basket case have never been so luridly apparent as they are over  the Dum Cummings-and-Going's debacle. When the normally pro-Tory Daily Mail's banner headline screams WHAT PLANET ARE THEY ON? - referring to Bojo and his embattled chief aide
 - you might think it would give even the most loyal of Boris's minstrels pause for careful reflection. Or better still, running for the hills. Not so. It was Edukashun head honcho Gavin Gobbledegook Williamson's turn to act as Number 10 cannon fodder and to robotically repeat his boss's ludicrous assessment that Dum had acted 'instinctively' and 'legally, responsibly and with integrity' when he broke the lockdown rules. Thinking instinctively Gav, you are a twerp.

Sunday, May 24, 2020

Questions, questions, questions. Everybody's got questions about Duminic Cummings-and-Goings, chief dispenser of wisdom and weirdness to the White Honourable BoJo PM. Here's some of our own: 1] Will His Whiteness have the good grace to face the music at this afternoon's coronavirus propaganda briefing (Sunday, May 24)? 2] If he does, will any media bright spark ask had Duminic, on his journey north to Durham during lockdown, been stopped by police, fined and told to turnaround, would he still be not guilty of any wrong-doing? 3] Were that the scenario, would BoJo and squirming minstrels like Grunt Schnapps still be saying that Dum broke no rules and should be allowed to star in his own version of Carry On Regardless? 4] What family does Mrs Cummings-and-Goings have and where do they live? Watch this space...…… 

¶ …...At least BoJo turned up. Might have been better if he hadn't bothered. More questions, questions, questions (though few of the right kind). Not many answers. Here's how it goes now: The PM continues to stick by Cummings-and-Goings, maybe for another day or two, perhaps a week. Then Cummings-and-Goings quits, citing the fact that he has become the story and too much of a distraction for His Whiteness and the Government. Some things will never change.
Saturday, May 23, 2020

Is it the end of the London-to-Durham road for BoJo's chief special adviser Duminic Cummings-and-Goings? He is, of course, not the first high-ranking figure to cynically presume lockdown laws apply only to mere mortals and not invincible demi-gods like him. Remember Wee Nic's chief medical officer Cathy 'Oh I Do Like To Be Beside the Seaside' Calderwood? Or Coronavirus model aeroplane designer Professor Neil Ferguson? Dum, as he is infectiously known, thought it fine to drive his family to his elderly parents' home in Durham even after his wife had developed symptoms of the virus and several days after his boss had imposed lockdown. Then again, it was Dum-Dum's seriously unconsidered opinion that we should just all get out there and take our chances in a great herd immunity lottery. Dum's logic seeming to be: Let's all die now so we don't have to die later. We can only hope it's Bye-Bye Dum-Dum. 

Friday, May 22, 2020

So, transport head honcho Grunt Schnapps has confirmed that anybody travelling to the UK will have to go into a two-week quarantine - and that includes holidaymakers returning from a week or two in the sun. And that's about as many - one or two - who are likely to go along with it. But is there method to Schnapps's madness? With the British tourism industry facing disaster, maybe Grunt has just found a way to make sure most of us take our summer vacation here in the UK. And why not? But we can't wait to see how many of our political masters decide to suck up the two-week quarantine and venture overseas for a well-earned break. At least it might give the rest of us an extra fortnight's break from them.

Thursday, May 21, 2020

The grandiose sculpture marking Alex the Salmon's famous free student tuition promise is looking for a new home after Heriot-Watt University said it no longer wanted it. The big boulder bears the former First Minister's Burnsian quote: 'The rocks will melt with the sun before I allow tuition fees to be imposed on Scotland's students.' Given the meltdown in Scotland's finances thanks to Covid-19, maybe The Salmon will have to eat his own words before anybody steps up to give the boulder a new berth. Mind your teeth Alex! 

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

¶ Nobody will surely be surprised by The Donald's latest bizarre revelation that he is popping an anti-malarial pill because he has a tremendous feeling that it will protect him from Covid-19. The only thing we're surprised about, given he says 'oranges' when he means 'origins', is that he can actually pronounce 'hydroxychloroquine'. Tremendous! 

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Hats off to BBC Scotland editor Sarah Smith who has apologised to Wee Nic for suggesting the FM was 'enjoying' ploughing her own Cornonavirus furlough - sorry, furrow - rather than following BoJo's lockdown escape plan. Smithy, daughter of the late Labour leader John Smith, had, of course, meant to say 'embracing' rather than 'enjoying'. An understandable slip of the tongue? Wee Nic says she's not enjoying or embracing anything. But she has had the good grace to accept Smithy's apology. As far as Wee Nic is concerned the matter is now closed. It won't, of course, be closed to the cybernats who have been frothing at the mouth over Smith's verbal faux pas. But there's something Wee Nic should learn from this little spat - when you get it wrong, admit it and admit it fast. Then make a swift apology. It's amazing what people will forgive when you accept your mistakes and say sorry.

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

¶ Delighted to hear that Captain Tom is to be rewarded for his amazing fund-raising efforts for the NHS with a knighthood. Curious though, isn't it, that his elevation is announced on the same day that the Government releases the first proper and shameful death toll in our care homes. The buriers of bad news have been working overtime.   

Monday, May 18, 2020

If the bookies were open right now, we'd wager you'd get decent odds on the UK Health Secretary Matt 'Give-me-a-Break' Hancock and his Holyrood counterpart Jean 'Never-Knowingly-Briefed' Freeman being promptly axed as soon as we're over the worst of the Coronavirus crisis. Neither has exactly covered themselves in glory with their ham-fisted handling of their governments' epidemic responses. Is it really any surprise? Wee Matt is brainy enough, having degrees from both Oxford and Cambridge. But what he knows about health you could cram into the skull cap of one of his mortar boards. Jeanie can't quite compete with Matt on the academic scale. Her after-school education consists of a few years at the Glasgow School of Technology. But she does have the accolade of being the first woman to chair the National Union of Students as a fully paid up member of the Communist Party. After defecting to Labour, she then defected to the Nats and became one of Wee Nic's chosen few almost as soon as she was elected to Holyrood in 2016. What Jeanie knows about health would probably fit into one of Lenin's flat caps. But, hey, when you're simply following what the scientists tell you, you can't really be blamed when things go wrong. Can we?


Labour leadership hopeful Jess 'I'm-a-Brummie-and Proud' Phillips is 9/1 third favourite to inherit Jezbollah Corbyn's crown of thorns. But we fear Jess's odds are in danger of lengthening with her pitch for what must be the least sought-after job in British politics right now. The former women's refuge worker, who once told Jezbollah's former beau Diane Abbot to f*** off, says if she gets the job she'll fight to take Britain back into the European Union. Even though Jessie represents a pro-Brexit seat, she still believes Leave voters got it wrong. It should come as no surprise when the votes comes in if the Labour membership tell Jess to f*** off. ¶


Wait though. Maybe Jess's prospects have just been given an unexpected boost, courtesy of leadership rival Rebecca Longface Bailey. In her first interview since confirming her candidacy, RLB was asked what marks out of ten she would award Jezbollah for his leadership performance. 'Ten,' she replied, apparently without laughing. Full marks for the man who led Labour to its worst electoral defeat since 1935. Good luck with that one, Beccy!


¶ Oh how Wee Nic must be secretly fuming over the political re-emergence of former Justice Secretary Aye Ken MacAskill who has come back to life as a Westminster MP. The bold MacAskill, who was fired by Wee Nic, has been less than loyal to her Holyrood Highness with a fast-flowing deluge of sideline snipes and snivels about her IndyRef2 monologue.
Now, as the reincarnated Honourable Member for East Lothian, Aye Ken shows no sign of giving Wee Nic any kind of break. Not only will there be no second indy ref this year, there shouldn't be one in any case, he declares. Why?  Because, Aye Ken asserts, it would be lost. Curious, isn't it, that within Nat ranks Aye Ken appears to be something of a lone voice (apart from the maverick Jim Sillars who has been uttering something very similar). Except, of course, that there is no shortage of fellow dissidents within the Braveheart Brigade, led by Joanna Pip Pip Cherry. It's just that, unlike Aye Ken, they either don't want to upset Wee Nic,or they fear the backlash if they dare speak up. It will be interesting to see how SNP Westminster leader Ian 'I'm just doon frae the Isle o' Skye' Blackford deals with the outspoken MacAskill. We suspect Aye Ken  might be spoken to and possibly spoken about. But a spokesman for anything he most certainly will not be.¶


Wee Ruth The Truth was always going to be a hard act to follow. But we can't help thinking that her successor-elect as leader of the Scottish Tories may be something of an iffy option. Former motor trader Jackson Carwash seems like a nice man and he's certainly no shrinking violet when it comes to taking on Wee Nic. But after the youthful dynamism of Ruthie, he does seem a bit old school fuddy-duddyish and in politics its all about perception, stupid. We must hope, too, that he has more good fortune as a political leader than he did during his 25 years in the car sales business. Carwash was joint head of the First-Ford dealership in the West of Scotland until it went bust in 2002. He was also a director of Wylies Automative until it folded the following year. The Scottish Tories must be hoping Jackson's imminent elevation is not a car crash waiting to happen.¶